With apologies to Simon and Garfunkel

I hope nobody (scholars OR music fans!) will take offense at a gentle parody of the profession, in honor of the famous annual conference in Kalamazoo.  Really, truly, we mock because we love!

Something tells me it's all happening at the 'Zoo.
I do believe it. I do believe it's true.
Hmm, hmm. Whoa! Hmm.

It's a light and tumble journey
from the East to the Midwest,
just a fine and fancy ramble to the 'Zoo.
But you can drive a rental car
if you can't afford to fly;
the medievalists will love it if you do.
If you do, now....

Something tells me it's all happening at the 'Zoo.
I do believe it. I do believe it's true.
Hmm, hmm. Whoa! Hmm.

Assistant profs spend all their time
collecting names and contacts,
and the rookies all try not to look so young.
Emeriti will dominate in every Q&A,
and Spenserians think most of this is dumb.

The tenured profs won't watch the clock.
Our funding's on the chopping block.
The amateurs are Tolkien fans.
The grads drink all the wine they can.
What a gas, you'd better hop the van
to the 'Zoo! To the 'Zoo! To the 'Zoo!